OCTOBER 1, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 27

BIG TIPS

Can we have separate beds, like Rob and Laura Petrie?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

I planned on regaling you with reports of the autumnal abundance of the unruly wilds of my garden, but instead find myself ruefully reporting on the unruly wilds on my head. I'm growing my hair, and geez Louise, wishing I could weed it and put a few stakes in to claim some order. Instead, my only consolation and support are a few Hello Kitty barrettes which lend me some sort of "riot geezer" air. I guess I should just be grateful, after witnessing the emergence of my fat, glowing pumpkins from under their receding leaves, that my scalp isn't making a similar appearance. (Just so long as I don't put in the barrettes too tight.)

Dear Big Wigger,

I technically know I'm not supposed to feel guilty about telling my boyfriend what my needs are, and expecting them to be accommodated within reason, but I still feel bad, because what I (don't) want is to sleep with him.

We have good sex, and I love snuggling with him, but when it comes to actually sleeping, I really like to, want to, need to do it alone. I just don't like being touched while I'm asleep. Now that the honeymoon stage of our relationship is winding down, I can't really afford any more sleepless nights, because the demands of real life require sleep! I really want this to work, but I feel embarrassed to tell him that I have such an antisocial preference, and I'm really afraid I'll hurt his feelings. Help!

Sleepy Boy

Dear Get a Grip Van Winkle, You're right; you're not supposed to feel guilty. And you're right to expect that important needs of yours be accommodated. And, by the way, you're right: that boyfriend will probably be hurt if you suddenly slap him with a resentment-motivated change of routine.

Isn't it funny that sleep and sex have become so inextricably bound together? “Did you sleep together?" "Go to bed with him?” I guess it's just handy that the big soft thing you lie on at night is also good padding for horizontal aerobics. It's also appealing that the big soft thing is frequently in a room with a door on it; a qualification enjoyed by housemates everywhere.

Sleep itself, however, is sacred. Lovers galore seem to enjoy, or at least reconcile themselves to, being spooned, thrashed, snored at, and denuded of covers in exchange for the protracted, if unconscious, proximity to their dear one.

This peer pressure notwithstanding, one need only look at classic TV for examples of loving couples who enjoyed a solo snooze: Rob and Laura Petrie, Lucy and Ricky, Mr. Ed and Wilbur. The first two couples produced offspring: proof that intimacy remained intact.

I'd suggest framing the conversation with your honey something like, "I've been so giddy with longing for you, my need for sleep has barely existed (for the past two years). But now that our love seems to be deepening, I want to be able to make sure that my time with you remains a healthfully integrated part of my whole life, which includes my quirky but lovable need for unencumbered slumber."

I don't know if you live together, but if you do, try to have a place with two bedrooms, so you have your own turf. If that's impossible, get a really big bed, like a California King. If you've never experienced one of these, they actually seem to have their own horizon line. You could both thrash around spread-eagled on your respective sides (say you wanted to) and not touch. If you don't live together, you could have sex time that's not at night, although that's pretty dependent on your work schedules. Most of all, tell him, and make it clear that you're telling him because you think he's a keeper. Maybe he'll be able to help you share the bed. Stranger things have happened.

Dear Tipper,

I, a plain Catholic good-girl from Montana, just fell in love with a Jewish bad-girl mother from the Bronx. Even though we come from different worlds, I find we have much in common at this point in our lives— besides, we're crazy about each other! So what's my problem? I still have very Catholic good-girl and good-boy parents from Montana! They almost disowned me when I told them I am a lesbian, but how will they ever handle this?

Dear Scared Saintless,

Sarah, Plain and Tall

Okay, I've never been to Montana, but what I'm hearing you say is that it's different from the Bronx. I can buy that. The question is, how would your parents feel if you were dating a bad-ass Jew from Montana? A really obedient, devout Catholic from the Bronx?

My guess is, when you told them you were a big bull-dyke, they didn't just fine-tune their vision of your future: "Well, I guess we'll just split the cost of the wedding with the other gal's parents"... "That sure saves us worrying about the church's stance on abortion and birth control!" Nah, they probably threw out the dreams for their baby with the homosexual bathwater. If they're still upset and not quite used to the queer thing, you could be going out with the archbishop's daughter and they wouldn't give a flying communion wafer.

The probable concern here, beyond the fact that you're dating a gal, is that you're dating a non-Catholic, and that's a traditional Catholic no-no. What's good here is that, if you have any left over feelings that it might not be entirely okay to be doing the same-sex love thing because of some deeply

lodged internalized homophobia (worse for you than tartar, be assured), hopefully you know 100 percent that it's okay to love someone and pursue a relationship with them, no matter what their faith. And if a Catholic can make that kind of individual decision about their personal relationship with the church, shedding vestigial homophobia is cake.

What ultimately matters is how secure you feel in your own identity and relationships: your confidence and sureness will

beam the right message to your parents, or at least help, you survive their unsupportive ways. Good luck, and remember: if mixed marriages didn't work, girl-boy couples would never get together.

Send your questions on life, love, and hair care to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, 44101; or e-mail to ChronOhio@aol.com; or fax to 216-631-1082.

Whether you're out or not, you're always in here.

For many decades, our religious tradition has spoken for those that are "out," in many different senses of the word. That's why, whether you're gay or lesbian and whether you're out or not -you're welcome at our church.

We offer you a different kind of religious community, one that expands the boundaries of the Judeo-Christian world. We are an inclusive community where everyone learns from each other, because we all are so beautifully different.

So, out or not, we'd love to see you next Sunday. Or call one of Our Ministers, Bruce Marshall or Greg Stewart, at 751-2320 for more information.

First Unitarian Church of Cleveland

UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST

21600 Shaker Blvd. ■ Shaker Hts., OH 44122 (216) 751-2320

....when you need more than just the straight numbers.

Ernest Giaco

Certified Public Accountant

3255 Warrensville Center Road, Suite 204 Shaker Heights, OH 44122 (216) 561-1212

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